Bi

When I first got the internet and spent my first hours in an IM chat room, way later than most of the United States portions of America because I'm poor, I used to sign off simply, bi. I did this for no other reason besides liking the way it looked.

Of course I get a lot of Are you gay? Confused? Bi? for it which I pretty much ignored.

Fast forward to these most recent weeks, I now realize I am bisexual. I have done a lot of mindfuck to think myself otherwise to no avail in less secure understanding of who I was.

With the help of my girlfriend and other friends I can now say I am bi and know I'm not confused and don't wish to be other than the bi man I am.

As I begun to recognize myself and have recently begun to proclaim myself I am re-remembering old fantasies, pains, doubts, and thoughts: things I had forced down and no longer wish to.

Curiously, I'm also remembering things, little things like that IM chat. Coming back to the question of being confused I know that in some ways I was. Even as an lgbtqi activist while helping people accept themselves, I hid the part of myself which was attracted to men, I wrote myself out of my fantasies or transformed that image into a woman to keep it straight. While calling on others to support and defend the equality of those who love outside hetero-dominant norms, I ignored a significant (tho not equal) desire of my own sexuality. Certainly, to these degrees I was confused.

And yet my IM-self wrote bye as bi. My myspace, facebook and other social forums listed my orientation as "no answer" until I switched them to bi as part of my healing process earlier this month. If you had asked what they said before that time, I would have been sure they said straight. I would have been sure because until recently, I was too fearful of being seen as anything but straight.

Yet and quite to my shock, they all said "no answer." Like something subconscious was waiting for the truth. It leaves me wondering how long the part of me which knew I fantasized about men, caressing men, having sex with men getting fucked by men; how long has that part been leaving clues when I only presented the other side; carressing women, having sex with women, being fucked by women? Then, was I ever confused?

It's interesting. I don't know the deeper implications. However, I can say without confusion, I like women. I like men.

Don't like it? Oh well.